2015: A Bad Year for Grapes – Cartoon Logic
The year draws to a close, and commentators the world over find themselves tasked with the inevitable. What sort of year has it been? Such an assessment is, 99 years out of a hundred, largely impossible. 1939 was probably a bad one. Probably. It’s harder to pin down a good one. 1 AD maybe. It was a start, if nothing else. But you see, the world, as I have often written in this column, is inherently chaotic and random. The year has been good and bad. Average, probably, like most years. Inevitably, any commentator is limited by their world view, their perspective, their access to information. Unless you’ve got a bunch of statisticians who can crunch the whole year into an equation, you’re basically stuck at vague generalisations or extreme specifics.
Bad year for grapes. Definitely. Really quite a shocker, I thought. Take David Cameron and the House of Lords. It’s ongoing, but the PM seems intent on cutting the power of the Lords. Whatever side of the upper house debate you fall on, you must remember that this desire to inhibit the Lords has nothing to do with their veto, in October, of Cameron’s tax credit legislation. It is absolutely a coincidence and is not driven by upset over having his policies defeated.
Usually, grapes are quite sweet, especially the red ones, I find. But this year? Awful. You’ll remember, if you’re a follower of politics, that there was a by-election in Oldham at the beginning of the month. Labour was predicted to hold the seat, but UKIP was potentially a challenger. When Labour won by a good 10,000 votes, Nigel Farage, Chief Eurobane, Would-Be-Conqueror of Brussels, Leader of UKIP and First Emperor of the Moon, kicked up a massive stink. He said the victory was ‘bent’, that postal voting had been used to create a fraudulent result, that he had received evidence from an ‘impeccable source’, that ‘in areas of Britain where people don’t speak English and they sign up to postal votes, the electoral process is now dead’. Whether he is eventually vindicated or not, his complaint has nothing to do with the fact his party lost, and has (apart from twice) always lost Westminster seat votes.
What really worries me, though, is what are we supposed to buy people in hospital if all the bunches of grapes are horrid? That’d be awful. Think about those awful tasting grapes, and remember that FIFA had an awful year too. Pretty much everyone who works there, or has ever worked there, or who worked there in tangential timelines has been arrested about six times now. No one less than Sepp Blatter, who has probably been arrested ten or eleven times by now, I should think. Back in May, he did his best to deflect attention away from himself. He attacked the British press, claiming that their claims of impropriety at FIFA were baseless, and that FIFA was being slandered because Britain wasn’t given the World Cup, and Britain was all like ‘well, we didn’t want it anyway’. It had nothing to do with that, in fact, did it?
Basically, on the whole, grapes were virtually inedible this year. You wouldn’t want to go near them, or David Cameron, or Nigel Farage, or Sepp Blatter, or any purveyor of bitter green orbs. It definitely wasn’t the worst year for grapes, but it was up there. Take 600 BC, or so. I don’t suppose you remember, but that year, there was that Greek fox that wanted those grapes, but it couldn’t reach them, so it decided that they were, in fact, too piquant, too acidic, too lemony.
Sour grapes! Sour grapes! It’s sour grapes. Cameron, Farage, Blatter. Sour grapes. Lots of sour grapes, all through the year. Get it? Get it? Bad year for grapes. Grapes. Sour grapes. That’s the whole bloody joke. I’ve run out of ideas, ok? Thank Christ it’s Christmas.
This column sponsored by grapes. The thirst-quenching raisin.