Not Again1

Not Again, Prime Minister! – Cartoon Logic

Not Again, Prime Minister!

Episode Ninety Four – ‘The Mossack Fonseca Debacle’

FADE IN:

EXT. NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET – DAY

London. A sunny day. A policeman stands outside Number 10.

‘MONDAY’ appears on screen.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PRIME MINISTER’S OFFICE – DAY

EDWARD LLEWELLYN, Chief of Staff at Number 10 and DAVID CAMERON, Prime Minister, are in a meeting together. They are sitting at David’s desk.

EDWARD

On to the next item, Prime Minister. This Mossack Fonseca tax evasion offshore fund management stuff. I just need you to confirm that you’ve got absolutely nothing to do with it before we go ahead.

DAVID (shiftily)

…nope. Not a thing.

EDWARD

Ah. Good. It just wouldn’t look good if you were linked with tax evasion, would it? No matter how legal it might be.

DAVID

‘course not.

EDWARD

So we don’t need to worry. They’re not going to find anything, are they?

DAVID

Nothing.

EDWARD

Your father was a stockbroker, wasn’t he?

David fiddles with a pen and looks out the window.

DAVID

Was he?

Edward sighs.

EDWARD

Prime Minister, you know full well he was.

DAVID

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Might’ve been, yeah.

EDWARD

He wasn’t involved.

DAVID

Nah, don’t think so.

EDWARD

Ok, perfect. Moving on…

 

FADE TO:

EXT. NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET – DAY

It is cloudy.

‘TUESDAY’ appears on screen.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PRIME MINISTER’S OFFICE – DAY

Edward and David are back at the desk.

EDWARD

Bit of bad news to start off with, Prime Minister. The press has found your father’s name in the Mossack Fonseca papers. It’s Blairmore Holdings.

DAVID (uninterested)

Oh really?

EDWARD

Yes. Slightly unfortunate. Not to worry though, we can draw a line under that. You’ve got that talk in Birmingham later. Make it clear that you’ve got no shares at all, and that you don’t benefit from Blairmore Holdings…

DAVID (quickly)

In the future. I won’t benefit in the future.

EDWARD (unsure)

Right…

 

FADE TO:

EXT. NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET – DAY

There is light drizzle.

‘WEDNESDAY’ appears on screen.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PRIME MINISTER’S OFFICE – DAY

Edward and David are back at the desk. Edward is looking tired. David is fiddling with some Blu-Tack.

EDWARD

Now, I’m afraid Labour and the press are still on at you about the whole offshore thing. Seems that they think you weren’t clear enough.

David seems preoccupied. He makes popping noises with his mouth.

DAVID

Bloody Labour.

EDWARD

Yes, quite, Prime Minister. In particular, one of their MPs, Wes Streeting, is insisting that you clarify if you’ve ever benefited from off-shore funds in the past. It seems like we should’ve made that clear from the start.

DAVID

Uh huh.

EDWARD (slowly)

You… haven’t benefited from off-shore funds in the past, have you?

DAVID (pretending not to have heard)

Sorry?

EDWARD

Off-shore funds, Prime Minister. You’ve had nothing to do with them.

David has rolled the Blu-Tack into lots of little balls. He is flicking them across the desk onto the floor.

DAVID (mumbling)

No.

EDWARD

What was that, Prime Minister?

DAVID (quickly)

No.

EDWARD

Ok, thank goodness for that. Nothing else is going to crop up then. We can wrap this whole thing up for good. Right?

DAVID (noncommittally)

…yep.

 

FADE TO:

EXT. NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET – DAY

It is raining heavily.

‘THURSDAY’ appears on screen.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PRIME MINISTER’S OFFICE – DAY

David is back at the desk. Edward is pacing about the room, while David sits in his office chair, spinning around in it lazily.

EDWARD

Dreadful news, Prime Minister. The press have found that letter you sent back in 2013. The one to Herman Van Rompuy of the European Council.

DAVID

What letter?

EDWARD

The one in which you said trusts should not be subject to the same transparency rules as companies.

David sniffs.

DAVID

Don’t remember that.

EDWARD

Come on now, Prime Minister. You can see how this doesn’t look good, surely! This business just keeps going on and on! People are starting to think you’ve got something to hide!

DAVID (irritated)

Urgh, it was just a letter!

EDWARD

You’re sure this had nothing to do with your father’s company.

DAVID

Which company?

EDWARD (exasperated)

Blairmore, Prime Minister!

DAVID

Look, I absolutely promise I’ve got nothing to do with Blairmore and that my letter to Herman had nothing to do with it, and that I’ve not done nothing shady, alright?

Edward frowns.

EDWARD

You haven’t made any money from Blairmore

DAVID

…no.

EDWARD

Are you sure?

DAVID

Oh, ok. A little bit. A few thousand.

EDWARD

Prime Minister!

DAVID

I paid tax on it! And I promise it’s all good now.

EDWARD

Say that again with your hands on the table.

DAVID

Why?

EDWARD

I just want to be sure you didn’t have your fingers crossed.

DAVID

Ok.

David doesn’t move.

EDWARD
Go on then!

DAVID

Alright, in a minute! God…

Edward stands there, waiting. David looks over at the window. His eyes widen.

DAVID (shocked)

What’s that?!

Edward quickly looks around. David jumps out of his seat and dashes out through the door. Edward realises there was nothing at the window. He folds his arms and looks directly down the camera.

EDWARD (his catchphrase)

Not again, Prime Minister!

SFX: Audience laughter.

Credits roll.


Trump Clock 5

This week, the Trumpsday Clock stalls at FIVE MINUTES to Trumpsday. In fact, I’ve actually put the clock back thirty seconds, thirty being the difference between Ted Cruz’s and Donald Trumps’ totals at Cruz’s win in Wisconsin on Tuesday. At this stage, a win for Cruz before the Republican convention seems impossible. However, each time he beats Trump, we move closer to that brokered convention, in which all the delegates can vote again from scratch. Suddenly, all bets are off. The question then becomes: where do the delegates pledged to third place John Kasich go? Of course, even if Trump wins at the convention, the clock still can’t reach midnight until the end of the election. And Trump continues to poll poorly against Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Ironically, John Kasich is the only Republican beating the Democrats in the polls. Is he their only hope of a final victory? I also wonder if Trump might crop up in these Panama Papers at any point. That would be bad for him, and I’d have to set the clock back to three hours to midnight, or something. We can always dream, eh?

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