Nigel Farage and the Legend of the Golden Kipper – Cartoon Logic

Once upon a time, in the far off land of the London Borough of Bromley, there lived a man called Nigel. Nigel lived the simple life of a commodities trader on the London Metals Exchange. Despite this, Nigel was a very grumpy man. For you see, all the kingdoms in this realm were linked by a magical blue thread. This thread connected the fates of the kingdoms together. But Nigel hated the thread. He wanted nothing more than to cut it up into tiny pieces and separate the land he lived in from all the others in the realm.

One fine day, Nigel was walking through the dark forest to the nearby town when he came across a sparkling stream he had never seen before. In the stream was the most beautiful fish he had ever seen. It glittered with gold and purple. The fish looked at Nigel and suddenly, it spoke! For it was a magical fish.

‘Lo, traveller. I am the Golden Kipper, and it is my true desire to destroy the magical blue thread. For you see, I blame all the troubles in my life on this thread.’

Nigel was amazed at what he heard, partly because he agreed with this fish, but mostly because it was a fish and he could understand it.

‘Golden Kipper! Forsooth and yea verily, for I doth hold thine endeavour to be most goodly and true!’ said Nigel.

‘What?’ said the Golden Kipper.

‘That sounds like a good idea,’ said Nigel, quickly. So Nigel lifted the fish from the stream and led it to the capital of the land where he pestered King Cameron to sever the thread for all time. Soon, the glittering gold of the Kipper attracted many of the ordinary folk to Nigel’s side. They liked his simple representation of the blue thread as a great evil and they liked the superficially common-sense colours of the fish. They joined the Golden Kipper and pledged their support, and Nigel became famous. But still it was not enough. For the King would not allow Nigel access to the thread, and without the power of the King, Nigel could never hope to achieve his dream.

In this fair land, the King’s rule was put to a vote once every five years. Nigel wished to become King, so he could sever the thread himself. When the time to vote for the King came, Nigel put himself and the Golden Kipper forward. All things considered, the Golden Kipper received one vote in every eight, but only one knight of the realm, Douglas of Clapton. Still, many people had voted for the Kipper.

The Golden Kipper, emboldened by its new support, grew larger and more vocal. But quickly, as fish tend to do, it began to smell. Soon, the smell of the fish became so great, that King Cameron feared he would lose all his courtiers if he did not capitulate. And so, he decreed that a great vote would be held across the land. If the people chose to sever the thread, then sever it he would. Nigel and the Kipper celebrated! Soon they would achieve their aims.

But you see, Nigel and the Golden Kipper had made a fatal mistake. For it was the very existence of the magical blue thread that gave the fish its power to speak! Without the thread, the Golden Kipper would lose its purpose and disappear! If the people voted to save the thread, the supporters of the Kipper might lose faith. There certainly wouldn’t be another vote for many more years.

And so, the vote came and went. The Golden Kipper, concerned with only one issue, had nothing left to say, and Nigel faded away into obscurity.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Six Minutes

This week, the Trumpsday Clock trips backward to SIX MINUTES to Trumpsday. Another fairly poor week for Donald Trump has seen him cry ‘conspiracy’ at the Republican Party. Ted Cruz got all 34 delegates in Colorado, due to a recent change in Republican party politics there, and Trump screamed foul-play. In fact, the change was made long before the primaries started, and was designed to allow Colorado grassroots Republicans to pick a non-establishment candidate (ie not Jeb Bush). Basically, Trump’s eating up those sour grapes. I’m definitely getting the sense his momentum has been dampened. As I’ve said before, the question at this stage is not whether Trump will get the most delegates, but whether he will get enough to avoid a brokered convention. And the events of this last week continue to suggest he might not. Now we wait until the 19th of April for a fairly major vote in New York.



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