Emojis2

Those New Facebook Emoticons in Full – Cartoon Logic

The world was utterly shaken to its core last week, when Facebook finally put the ‘we need a dislike button’ debate to rest. They plan to introduce not one, but six new emoticons, so Facebookers can finally express a full range of emotions without the use of pesky words. Six new emoticons, with which the entire depth and range of the soul, of the human experience, can be expounded. Six new emoticons; Love, Haha, Yay, Wow, Sad and Angry. Funnily enough, these are all rejected names for the Seven Dwarfs. And the ‘Emoticons’ were the enemies of the Autobots in the original Japanese version of Transformers. True story.

I’m not saying that you might need more than just those six faces and the like button to cover all possible reactions to everything… but you might. Ok, I am saying that. It’s probably better than just ‘like’, though. Actually, now they’ve announced the new ones, what purpose does ‘like’ still serve? You won’t need it for ‘I love this’, not for ‘funny stuff’ and not for ‘yay’ either. You know, not enough has been written about the emotion ‘yay’. Shakespeare barely mentioned it once. Clearly he felt it was too complex a feeling to discuss in his sonnets.

Are they particularly lazy, do you think? I often hear people discount the emoticon, because they’re apparently a sloppy way to communicate. It’s not always clear what emoticons mean, I suppose, but they definitely save time. I guess that sums up modern communication. Lower quality, higher quantity. More messages with less meaning.

Regardless, there are definitely some things missing. There are probably too many positive ones, though perhaps that’s Facebook’s way of saying ‘cheer up you miserable lot’. There’s definitely overlap too. Therefore, here are my suggestions for a second wave of emoticons, ones that’ll be particularly useful for Facebook users across the world:

I actually can’t read that

 What 

I’d be using this one all the time. I recognise that people use text-speak and abbreviations and stuff to speed up online communication, but sometimes it’s so far removed from normal written English that I literally cannot comprehend the point the person is trying to express. At this point, the string of sideways parentheses and number fours they’ve spat into cyberspace stops being communication and just becomes electro-gibberish.

It’s television. It’s just television

 TV

Oh, you’re unhappy about the character they’ve decided to kill off in The Walking Dead? You don’t think Breaking Bad should’ve ended like that? Well, you know, such is life. People in the US were recently getting listeria from toffee apples. Also, congrats on owning a Netflix subscription. We’re very proud.

Shut up! For the love of God, shut up!

Shut Up

One day, I discovered you could unfollow people on Facebook, but still remain friends. That was a good day. This way, you won’t see any of the stress-inducing drivel they spew and you won’t have to constantly re-accept/ignore their friend requests after you find yourself ‘accidentally’ un-friend-ing them. For those who haven’t yet discovered that feature, this icon will be a lifeline.

Yes, we know you’re on holiday               

 Holiday

I got the message the first forty-eight times you posted a picture of yourself on a sunny beach. You see how no one is liking them? You see how reminding us that we’re trapped in the middle of October isn’t fun for us? Do keep them coming, though. They’re riveting.

You don’t know how the internet works

 404

Last week, a friend of mine had one of those ‘this is clearly a link to a virus’ posted to his Facebook timeline by an account that was obviously compromised. You know the sort: ‘this weight-loss product is incredible, you should check it out’ and then a disguised goo.gl link that could take you anywhere. Clicking those is the cyber-equivalent of Russian roulette. The mother of this friend then commented underneath the post. She said: ‘I think this person might be a troll’, at which point, the owner of the compromised account, notified by the comment, wrote: ‘Wait, I never wrote this!’ A catalogue of errors. This emoticon would’ve been ideal.

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

 Planet

Purely because: a) The little round yellow face lends itself to portraying a planet and b) it’s a lot smaller and neater than the image of Professor Farnsworth. Plus, this one would definitely get a lot of use. Scroll down your timeline. You’ll see what I mean.

Finally: We all know life isn’t perfect, so why does your social media account suggest otherwise?

 Social

We’re all guilty of this. And it’s no surprise. Selective posting, and cutting and trimming our day-to-day life into pleasant status updates and expertly-taken selfies like an overzealous neighbour with a hedge-based point to make. We all massage our private lives into glowing social media lives, in sometimes desperate attempts to fan faltering egos. Or perhaps that’s just me. Nonetheless, this emoticon would be a catch-all, bursting the bubbles of those who seem to believe their lives are glorious parades of success. Post after post, day after day, filling the silence with likes and comments as we all hurtle inevitably towards violent and/or meaningless deaths.

On reflection, that last one also looks like ‘just get rid of your Facebook account’. And reading back through this article, I think perhaps I should. Anyway, it’s about time I

Shut Up

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