Cartoon Logic’s Festive Sock
It’s Christmas! A time of giving. A time of precious gifts. A time of not being bothered to write proper columns. Subsequently, please find attached ‘Cartoon Logic’s Festive Sock’, a collection of the poor little Tiny Tim columns that didn’t make it to publishing, mostly because I couldn’t work out how to finish them, all stuffed into a Christmas sock. Yep, it’s really come to that. Outtakes. Anyway, enjoy!
In September, Princess Michael of Kent declared that animals don’t have rights, because they don’t pay taxes, don’t have bank accounts and don’t vote. No joke. I examined her arguments in a column that never got finished:
So, according to Mikey, who doesn’t have rights? Well, most adults pay some sort of tax. VAT applies to a lot of stuff. But a lot of children don’t. And before 1992, neither did the Queen, interestingly. Lots of people don’t have bank accounts, for all sorts of reasons. How arbitrary is that? But the worst one has got to be the voting thing. At the last election, 52.1% of the entire population, some 33 million people, including every child, did not vote.
According to Mikey, most British people do not have rights. Unbelievable. Did she even stop to imagine the implications? We don’t know exactly what prompted the comments, but she has, in the past, come to blows with animal rights organisations for her love of fur coats. Perhaps this is it? In her head, by undermining animal rights organisations, she can render them obsolete. She has a vested interest! That, I suppose, explains her chronically stupid view.
Interestingly, her middle name is Hedwig. Just an observation.
We also witnessed the start of the future. October the 21st 2015 saw Back to the Future Day come and go, meaning that Back to the Future is now Forward to the Past. I collected a variety of ‘desperate advertising’ bits and pieces, in the style of Private Eye, on that very day. Here are my favourites:
Nescafé India chipped in with a picture of some coffee cups. The implication seems to be that coffee is still the same, as the cups (one from 2015 and one from 1985) look virtually identical. Thirty years, and Nestlé has achieved nothing, apparently, except the inclusion of E. coli in cookie dough, melamine in milk products and lead in noodles.
Iceland (the shop) did a fabulous job of utterly depressing everyone who dreamed of Back to the Future-style technology. We might not have hover cars…
Finally, the Department of Work and Pensions. This cool, hip, happening department showed that they were ‘down with the kids’ by picturing their mascot (Workie!) in a DeLorean.
Way back in May, long before the launch of Cartoon Logic, I penned a mighty attack on my nemesis, Nigel Farage. I don’t really know what happened to this one; it was basically finished and ready to go. I legitimately think I just forgot to publish it. It had just been the election, after all, and I was rather excited by all the goings-on.
Nigel Farage is a massive cheating cheater. Firstly, he promised to step down if he didn’t win South Thanet. He said he couldn’t lead his party from outside the Commons. Fair enough. Plus, that makes him seem serious about winning. He was willing to bargain his entire political career on it. Blimey. That’s a commitment to victory.
Then, boo hoo, poor Farage, he didn’t win. Fine. Deal with it. That happens. Lots of people didn’t win. Ed Balls didn’t win. Vince Cable didn’t win. George Galloway didn’t win, though the way he goes on about it, you’d think he did.
Farage stepped down almost immediately. Excellent. Good chap. Man of his word. He said he’d step down if he didn’t win and he didn’t win and he stepped down. Perfect.
And then, out of the blue, he tacked something onto the end of his otherwise delicious resignation speech, hoping we wouldn’t notice, a bit like finding a severed big toe in the bottom of a cool glass of lemonade. He said: there will be a UKIP leadership election after the summer and I might stand. I haven’t decided yet.
What? What?! WHAT?!
What the hell is that? Because, and forgive me for being so annoyed, ladies and gentlemen, but he knew, he knew what he was doing. There was no way he could lose that leadership election and no way he wouldn’t stand. Never has a party’s success been so closely linked to one person and no one in UKIP would vote for an untested nobody. Farage’s massive cheating cheater shoes were too big to fill.
But wait, there’s more! Just this week, UKIP rejected his resignation, which means he’s staying on anyway. He said he was ‘reluctant’, but he’s fooling no one. It’s ludicrous. This is a man with more ‘get out of jail free cards’ than an overstocked Monopoly set. And if he comes out of this plane-crash unscathed, I’ll eat Paddy Ashdown’s hat. Firstly, his ‘straight-talking-and-honest’ persona has been watered down like the sort of beer he’d hate. How can we ever trust any promises this man makes, the massive cheating cheater? Secondly, is it just me, or did his party just basically rebel? The leader said one thing, the party did another. If Cameron’s lot had done that, there’d be talks of a vote of no-confidence. And on top of that, his original argument still stands. How can he lead his party (of Douglas Carswell and absolutely no one else) from outside the Commons?
It’s lose/lose Nigel. Quit, like you promised, and your political career (your party too, no doubt) is deader than a fallen Grand National horse in a lasagne factory. Stay on, and your credibility is shattered, you massive cheating cheater. Farage portrayed himself as the people’s politician. But as soon as it came crashing down, he wiggled his way back into the leadership, his sense of fair play abandoned faster than the Labour Party abandoned Miliband.
Let this stand, for all time, as a record of his actions, an obituary of his tricks, a pamphlet of his mendacities. Nigel Farage, 1964-? On again off again leader of UKIP and massive cheating cheater.
I think that, now, with all the talk of Farage having no real clout anymore, I rather predicted the future with this one. It seems his credibility was shattered, although whether he’ll come back to the fore in time for all the EU business next year… we’ll see.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed these old scraps. Enjoyed them like cold turkey on Boxing Day. Have a cracking Christmas and join me for the First Annual Cartoon Logic Awards next week!